My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
