OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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