Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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