dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
