What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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