Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
