Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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