Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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