When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
