I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
