I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
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when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
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Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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