Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
