She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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