god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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