i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
