So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
