all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
