I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
