4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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