It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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