Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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