At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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