Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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