get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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