So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
