I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
