Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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