I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
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