i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
