There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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