I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
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It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
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After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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