We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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