how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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