dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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