Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize