Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
