So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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