that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
