why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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