somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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