i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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