I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
