We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
two words: eviction party
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize
