Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
