Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
