I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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