So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
