My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
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