Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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