Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
