woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
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i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
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Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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