My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
