Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
