I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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