I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
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I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
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Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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