one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
