Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
