I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
